Want to love? Learn how to die.

By Savannah Locke

Love requires sacrifice. Or, as Cornel West puts it, love is a form of death and you have to learn how to die in order to learn how to love.

We live in a death-denying, death-defying culture.

I read an article about Bryan Johnson, a millionaire tech CEO who spends $2 million dollars every year to reverse aging. His invitation to others? “Join the revolution. Don’t die.”

In Matthew’s Gospel, Jesus predicted his own suffering and death, but Peter denied it: “‘Never, Lord!’ he said. ‘This shall never happen to you!’”

But love is a form of death.

Jesus turned to his disciples and said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”

I grew up with a warped view of this passage. Maybe you relate? I thought Jesus was telling them— and, by proxy, me— that I had to ignore my desires, wants, and needs in order to follow him. I thought Jesus was saying I couldn’t use my voice. I thought Jesus was saying I had to be a martyr (like, a literal martyr in a school shooting or something) to follow him. That I had to resent the very things that made me human.

This led to immense fear, shame, and guilt… especially when things were going well. I was terrified to name what I desired because I thought God would make me kill it. When Todd and I fell in love, I genuinely thought God would take him away from me to show me that all I needed was God. I thought it was holy to be terrified of myself.

But it seems to me— and it’s okay if you disagree— that there is a difference between betraying myself and denying myself.

Todd and I have been married for seven years now and our love is built on sacrifice. Not a begrudging sacrifice marked by self-betrayal, but a loving sacrifice marked by self-denial. Marked by little deaths.

We’re going to therapy this Thursday. I love our therapist. He encourages us to die all the time. Die to our self-centeredness. Die to our stubbornness. Die to our resentment. Die to seeds of contempt. Die to our egos.

And maybe you hear voices from TikTok or a book or a podcast saying, “Never! This shall never happen to you!” Because we have learned to fear death and sacrifice.

But love is a form of death.

Denying death in big ways or small is denying love’s work.

Whoever loses their life for me will find it. This is a fascinating paradox, isn’t it? That loss of life leads to discovering life?

We have the benefit of looking back and knowing Jesus denied himself in Gethsemane, carried his cross on the Via Dolorosa (the Way of Sorrow), and lost his life at Calvary. God was dead as a doornail. The Elder in 1 John points to this image of death as the reason we know love: “We know love by this, that he laid down his life for us — and we ought to lay down our lives for one another.”

We also know the story did not end in death but in resurrection. Because while love is a form of death, love also transfigures everything it touches. Love resuscitates death to life. To deny (not betray) oneself is to board a direct flight to life, love, and resurrection. The very thing we’ve learned to fear is the exact thing that leads to fulfilling life.

I hope you are able to carve out six minutes to watch that video from Cornel West on love. I think you’ll find it beautiful.

-Savannah

Writing Prompt: Does death freak you out? Not just the permanent, we’re-all-going-to-die death….but little deaths? Denying yourself? Dying to yourself? Does it help to differentiate that from betraying yourself?

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